Life is a Balance

Living with PTSD, I have often had real problems with sleep. I am fortunately finding a balance of routines and medications (my tools) to help me have a full night sleep and I am grateful for that each morning. This morning I woke up rested but also mentally tired. I realize that this is my norm and holding this reality with love is where I am finding balance in my life.

I have spent the early part of this day reflecting on how I have really found this balance in my life, not in being cured but in holding my experience with true love and compassion. This morning my distress was palpable and intense, I felt I was crawling out of my skin because my hypervigilance was so strong. So, what I need to still assess is how to deal with it. If I wait until it is intense, then none of my tools will take it away. So I wonder how to balance the early morning and if taking medication first is the right way to try to prevent this anxiety.

I know that my participatory and anticipatory anxiety is very high each morning and has been for years. It is the most difficult time in my day because I am anxious about how I will get everything done in my day. In addition, I am also anxious about how challenging this day will be for me and if I will be able to handle my distress without trying to push it away or take a medication to solve my dilemma.

Working with Fatigue

My fatigue has really taken over this last week. It was not only physical fatigue but a complete mental fatigue causing great brain fog. I have found it frustrating because there is so much I want to do. Most importantly though is that I have been able to care for my fatigue with such love and compassion. I have rested most of this week and have spent more time in deep stillness and contemplation. It has brought me to a deeper connection to the energy within me and around me.

Self-Creating and Self-Generating

It is an early morning rising again but I use the time in such a life affirming way for me as I go into deep meditation and reflection. Today I have been reflecting on Barbara Marx Hubbard’s Code 13 – “I am an Element of the universe always self-creating and self-generating.” It was powerful just to sit with this happening within my body. I am so challenged by my body but at the same time I am in awe of the trillions of cells that are constantly self-creating and self-generating and I don’t have to do a thing. Certainly I eat right and exercise to the best of my ability. In addition, I live a life that is vibrant and evolving. There is this level of exploration and discovery with every day. It is exciting to wake up and to greet dawn with this sense of awe of what and how my life will unfold and evolve today. Today, it was simply about spending time with my central nervous system and believing that it too is self-creating and self-generating. I just need to rest as a living element of the universe constantly regenerating. It is a powerful and simple way to live. It makes my world so vast and at the same time, connected, intimate and pleasurable.

 

A Fully Embodied Life

I am having a really difficult day with my body and my brain fog. I am truly challenged to do anything right now but I know that I can always write. I realize that it might not be my best piece of work due to my confusion and definitely blurry vision.

It is really powerful to hold the pensive sadness and grief over the pain body I am in this morning. I am grateful to be able to be using my fingers to type and at the same time, feel the lightness, beauty and wonder for my body as it is. Who would have thought I would come to this profound place of joy, peace, love, sadness and grief. I am so grateful for the deep listening I am able to do within my mental mind, my physical and energetic body and my heart center. I am grateful to feel the fullness of my human experience. I am so fully alive, so fully human and that is where my spirituality lies, in my humanness.

I never thought that I could be so in love with my body as it is.

Wow! Honoring All of My Life!

I cannot believe I have come to a place in my life where I can honor all of my life experiences and myself and see clearly how they have contributed to my unique and whole self expressed in the world today. This includes honoring all of my stories of sexual assaults, early trauma and volatility as well as my illnesses – PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia which are a direct result of that early and chronic trauma. In addition, I have found the ability to honor the depth of my pensive sadness for my life experiences as well. This pensive sadness includes holding gently the sadness and suffering of the earth as well. At the same time, I hold gently the deep joy and bliss I have for my present life, combining love, safety and beauty. Again, this is all part of my full spectrum self being expressed authentically in the world and universe.

I am thrilled I have combined all of these pieces in my life into a state of pure wholeness. It took me 14 years to get to this place but I am here and I am living vibrantly and consciously as a result. To be in this place is to know great freedom and profound love – a dream come true.

I CAN REST SAFELY!!!!

It has been quite some time since I have written but I feel compelled to write again. I feel this powerful impulse to create through the written word but I have no idea where to start. So much has happened for me since I last blogged. Right now I am metabolizing and becoming deeply rooted with all the new learnings that have come my way over the last 14 years of trying to cure my Severe PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. What I have come to is this place where I am able to celebrate as Karen Drucker says, “All is well. I can rest. I am safe. All is well.”

Oh So Grateful

I am so grateful I have the opportunity to allow my deeper knowing to lead me through my day. Grateful I am able to be in resonance with the energies of the universe within me and around me and letting them lead me through my day. As I look back over the last 13 years, I can see them all as pure gift for I have creatively learned to gently and respectfully work with my severe PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia.

Now I feel completely and fully myself in the world as I am. Now I live fully aligned with my deep inner knowing and I can trust that implicitly. Again, there is no greater gift to celebrate this Holiday Season.

At this Holiday season I am also celebrating the intimacy, attachment and sense of belonging I have developed with myself, others and the Cosmos. It brings me a sense of pure love, power and creativity. These are all gifts of my 13 year journey to health, wholeness and deep freedom.

Today I would say I am completely healed and whole for I truly understand and can hold the deep suffering from my PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I can hold it with such a fearless compassion for myself and my lived experience.

I read this book from Peter Levine, Waking the Tiger, many years ago but one idea stayed with me. He talked about how for some people their power, passion and life force energy can cause great hypervigilance. I held on to this idea because somewhere within me it resonated with my core understanding. I am in a place of power, passion and alignment with the life force energy within me and yet my suffering has never been worse. It is making my physical conditions worse as well. My ability to hold it all with fearless compassion for myself only contributes to the compassion I can have for others experiencing the complexity of the true human experience.

For all of this I stand in wonder, awe and deep respect for who I am and how I am in the universe. I weep with deep joy and bliss for the wonder of my life and for my being deeply connected to the creative evolutionary impulse within me and around me as I am. These are great things to celebrate this Holiday Season.

Best wishes to you all this Holiday Season.

My Deepest Truths

There are several truths that I can hold deep in my core, soulful self.

Life is always working for me.

I can trust in my unfolding.

I know that my life will continue to lead me to a deeper reality and help me find my deepest core self as a fully energetic, infinite being.

I know that my illnesses have been and continue to be part of what is moving me to this deeper reality, a deeper consciousness. Now, I find great gratitude for the gifts my illnesses have brought into my life.

I know deep in my core that I am not a separated self and that I live in deep connection with all that is.

 

 

A Grateful Heart

Today I have decided to publish my gratitude list that I do every morning. It is a beautiful way to start my day.

• So grateful I have found the magical moments between 3-5 am when I feel so deeply connected to the energies of the universe, the cosmos and my own deep intuition.
• So grateful for the gift of curiosity that has come into my life. I am interested in exploring the science of the living universe. I am interested in exploring the cosmos and the psyche. I am interested in exploring so many things. It is a beautiful gift to have found in my life and I get to have this gift for the rest of my life even though I have to hold the suffering that goes with it.  Today and every day, I have the daily practices and medications to help me manage the suffering to a degree so I am grateful for that.
• So grateful that I feel life is a beautiful adventure and that I can hold Radical Unknowingness in this adventure. I look at aging as an adventure but I have no idea how it will go. However, I find it really exciting to see the changes that are happening as I age. What I do know is that I will keep this gift of inner aliveness that I have found in the last 13 years even though it causes me suffering. I can embrace again Radical Unknowingness with what happens during death and after death but I do know that my life will feed others some day so in that way I think of myself as being eternal.
• So grateful that I found the energy to walk 30 minutes with my family and to do my Qigong. Due to my chronic fatigue I was unable to do them yesterday or sometimes for days at a time.
• So grateful I am making the choice to explore my relationship with food. I am choosing to eat just whole foods, nothing from a box and eliminating sugar, dairy and gluten to see if it helps my overall condition. However, the main reason I am doing it is that over the last 13 years I have developed a deep love affair with my body and I want to treat it in respectful, holistic ways. It is not about weight for me, it is about loving my body tenderly.

Something Larger Than Myself

I have been up since 1am. I could not sleep and I felt a call from the universe to be awake. I live my day with a constant process of discovery and I am thriving with it. I love being on this adventure with the universe. I love being part of an evolving learning system. Unfortunately, my central nervous system continues to be hyperaroused throughout this process so while I feel so free, empowered and excited, I also experience deep, deep suffering. I am now seeing my suffering as also being connected to planetary suffering. We are at one, I feel I am a Bio-Cosmic Being.

I realize that my suffering is part of a larger picture and so I don’t feel so alone with my suffering. In addition, I hold both the suffering of myself and the planet in deep compassion and see it as part of the evolving learning system.